


Nosy Old Lady

by fragilecapricornpanic



Series: Even Numbers [33]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Angst and Humor, Ben Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves Friendship, Ben Hargreeves Deserves Better, Ben Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Canon Compliant, Diego Hargreeves is Bad at Feelings, Domestic Fluff, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Ghost Ben Hargreeves, Humor, Klaus Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Klaus Hargreeves Needs Help, Mentioned Allison Hargreeves, Minor Diego Hargreeves/Eudora Patch, One Shot, One Shot Collection, POV Alternating, Police Officer Diego Hargreeves, Pre-Canon, Protective Diego Hargreeves
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-29
Updated: 2020-10-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:48:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27258949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fragilecapricornpanic/pseuds/fragilecapricornpanic
Summary: “I can’t deal with you right now.” Eudora bluntly called over her shoulder, not even turning to face him. She fiercely flounced away to her car, leaving Diego worried about them breaking up. Again. “Shit.” Diego grunted, dejectedly making his way over to his own embarrassingly terrible car. “Shit.” he repeated with absolute despair when he found his unbearable brother casually leaning on the vehicle. It was tempting to move to another state. Another country. Another goddamnplanetto finally get rid of Klaus.
Relationships: Ben Hargreeves & Diego Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves, Diego Hargreeves/Eudora Patch
Series: Even Numbers [33]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1944895
Comments: 22
Kudos: 43





	Nosy Old Lady

“You can’t just go around throwing things at people, Diego.” Eudora sternly rebuked her boyfriend as they made their way out of the precinct. He was so close to getting kicked out of the academy, it was infuriating. “Well it stopped him, didn’t it?” Diego cockily replied, refusing to accept his actions had been unacceptable. There were rules for a reason. “That doesn’t matter, it’s still against protocol.” Eudora pressed the button in the elevator with more force than necessary, choosing to take her anger out on it. There was a desire to take her anger out on Diego instead, but she actually had self control - unlike him.

Her boyfriend scoffed as response, never caring in the slightest about following orders. “You’re not a maverick, Diego. You’re an idiot.” she stated with disdain, unbelievably annoyed at him. Real life wasn’t a comic book. “It stopped the crime, who gives a shit how?” Diego smugly drawled, following her out of the elevator. “ _I_ give a shit.” Eudora quietly snapped, sheepishly looking around the foyer to check no one could overhear their bickering. It was somewhat of a taboo for them to be dating to begin with, arguing at work wouldn’t help matters. “I’m not just messing around in the police academy, I’m a cop. This is my _career_. I can’t just turn a blind eye to this.” she hissed with intense frustration, storming away before he could give any type of stupid comeback. If he really made an effort, Eudora knew her boyfriend would be a great cop. That was what made it so aggravating.

Chasing after his girlfriend, Diego groaned at how spiritedly she was in her dramatic exit. “Dora!” he quietly exclaimed, not wanting to cause a scene. “I can’t deal with you right now.” Eudora bluntly called over her shoulder, not even turning to face him. She fiercely flounced away to her car, leaving Diego worried about them breaking up. Again. “Shit.” Diego grunted, dejectedly making his way over to his own embarrassingly terrible car. “Shit.” he repeated with absolute despair when he found his unbearable brother casually leaning on the vehicle. It was tempting to move to another state. Another country. Another goddamn _planet_ to finally get rid of Klaus. He just keeps coming back. “You’re like a cockroach.” Diego had no intention to open the doors and let Klaus in. “You’re such a gentleman.” Klaus sarcastically replied, smirking at Diego’s evident annoyance.

Having a brother in the police academy was proving to be rather handy. It was worth waiting around for an hour for Diego to emerge. It gave Klaus time to score. “Did they fire you?” Klaus confidently guessed, looking at the stressed fury on Diego’s face. It presumably wasn’t solely about Klaus being there. “No! Why would you just assume that?!” Diego retaliated with immense offence, like he doesn’t go through jobs like Klaus goes through pills. It was kind of amazing that Diego was still actually in the academy. “You always get fired, it’s your thing!” he defended his fair assumption, looking to Ben for some support. “How exactly do you expect me to back you up? I’m dead.” Ben remarked with an unnecessary amount of sass.

Diego sighed with long suffering exasperation as his brother hissed at complete nothingness. He did kind of have an issue with getting fired, but it shouldn’t have been Klaus’ first guess. At least he actually has jobs to get fired from. “I’d rather that be my thing than getting chlamydia.” Diego taunted, regretfully unlocking the doors. His brother clearly wasn’t going to budge from the car until he got his way. “I’ve never even had chlamydia!” Klaus yelled _far_ too loud, considering they were right outside of Diego’s workplace. Diego frantically gestured for his brother to quickly get in the car, mortified by the attention being drawn to them. He rushed into the car too.

“You’ve definitely had chlamydia, you just don’t know it. I would see a doctor if I were you.” Diego pettily muttered as he slowly got the engine to start up. He couldn’t even bring himself to see if anyone was staring at them. “Whatever, I’m hungry.” Klaus mumbled. What a surprise. “Yeah, no shit. You look like a prisoner of war.” Diego gave Eudora an apologetic smile as he drove past. She purposefully didn’t look at him. Shit.

“What did you do?” Diego questioned with boredom, wondering why he was arrested this time. “And how do you know I wasn’t there to _report_ a crime?” Klaus retorted with glaringly fake insult. Diego was unable to prevent chuckling at that. If his brother wasn’t going to fess up, Diego decided he didn’t want to know the crime. It was probably for the best to stay clueless. He didn’t have the emotional energy to get food with Klaus, he was just too irritating for Diego’s current temperament. To be frank, he was too irritating for any temperament. “If I give you money for food do you promise you’ll spend it on that?” he patronisingly checked, feeling pretty certain that Klaus would just use it on drugs. “I said I’m hungry didn’t I?” Klaus back-talked, not sounding particularly believable. But when did he ever? Diego decided he’d just wait around when he dropped Klaus off, just to ensure he was actually going to get something to eat. Really Diego should get a salary for this babysitting.

Driving past Vanya’s neighborhood, Diego felt remorse for how shitty of a big brother he was. He couldn’t even recall the last time he’d seen his littlest sister. “...Did you see Allison on Jimmy Kimmel?” Diego awkwardly gossiped, judging himself for acting like a nosy old lady. Eudora had gotten mad at him for laughing at Allison, which he felt was unfair. She’s his sister, of course he’d be a dick. It would be weird if he wasn’t. His girlfriend had never even met Allison, she didn’t know how goddamn snarky she was. Shit, Eudora was certainly going to break up with him. Why did Diego throw the taser at that guy?! He could’ve just tased him with it, that was the entire point of them!

“I saw it.” Ben casually informed Klaus, who seemed incredibly thrown by this declaration. “Where the hell did you see it?!” Klaus hissed, looking at him with intense scrutiny. Ben smugly shrugged, amused by his brother’s bewilderment. “I went into some woman’s house, you were boring me.” he admitted unashamedly, currently finding watching Klaus tedious and repetitive. There were only so many times you could helplessly witness your brother make the same mistakes. Some things Ben definitely didn’t want to be around for. Scratch that. A _lot_ of things Ben definitely didn’t want to be around for. Unfortunately Diego’s earlier comment about chlamydia was probably pretty accurate.

“Like some kind of pervert?!” Klaus appeared absolutely scandalised by this admission. It wasn’t like Ben was spying on the woman, she just had the TV on. Obviously his attention would be caught by Allison, he missed her greatly. The woman also had a very cute cat, Ben had been thoroughly enjoying his little jaunt. It was a shame he couldn’t actually pet the cat though. Apparently the belief about them seeing ghosts was entirely a myth. Klaus hadn’t even noticed his absence at the time, which was irritating considering how much he complains about Ben ditching him. Ben phased into the front passenger seat, just to piss Klaus off. “I thought we were bros before hoes!” his seance brother exclaimed dramatically, leaning forward over Ben’s seat.

How does he just keep getting weirder? Every time Diego felt Klaus had reached peak derangement, he just surpassed that level. Diego frustratedly shoved his brother backwards, partly because he was annoying, but also because he had visions of him flying through the windscreen. “What does she have that I don’t?!” Was Klaus’ imaginary friend cheating on him? Even passionately arguing with Eudora was better than listening to this. “Well I could get a cat!” Diego turned the radio up even louder, predicting getting tinnitus. “How dare you! I’d be a good cat mom!”

Jesus Christ. “Can you continue this discussion when you get out of my goddamn car?!” Diego loudly requested, feeling pity for the people Klaus had been in the holding cell with. They didn’t even have a radio. “Ask him, he’s the one being a pervert and saying I’d kill a cat!” Even though he hated to admit it, Diego was pretty intrigued by this one-sided bickering. What did he miss? The things his brother would come out with were maddeningly enthralling sometimes. Diego lightly shook his head, deciding it wasn’t worth asking what Klaus’ imaginary friend was saying. It would just make this chatter even more absurd than it already was.

Looking over his seat to scowl at Klaus, Ben was considering just phasing out of the car all together. “I never said you’d _kill_ it, I said you wouldn’t look after it.” Why was he even bothering quarrelling about a hypothetical cat? Klaus was obviously just arguing about it for the hell of it. “Just tell Diego that it’s hila-“

“-rious how panicked Allison gets when she’s asked about us.” Klaus translated for Ben unenthusiastically, disgruntled he’d missed out on this chat show appearance. What if her outfit had been terrible? Klaus could’ve lost out on the chance to roast her. “Can you blame her?” Diego snickered, seeming to be driving Klaus to Griddy’s. Clearly somebody was feeling nostalgic, despite his grouchy exterior. “Speak for yourself, I’m thriving.” He definitely wasn’t thriving, but maybe if Klaus said it enough it would start to become true.

Flicking on his turn signal to pull into Griddy’s, Diego bit back a smirk at Klaus’ comment. “You sure are, bro.” he dryly affirmed, hoping Klaus was just kidding. God help him if he was being serious. “You ever noticed she pulls that weird face on TV when she wants to rumor someone but can’t?” Diego looked at Klaus through the rear view mirror, doing an impression of said expression. It was majorly entertaining watching Allison barely contain a rumor on TV. One day the world would find out how dependent she was on her power, Diego was certain.

“I’m telling her you said that.” his brother childishly threatened as he climbed from the car. Like he was even allowed contact with her to begin with. Even Diego was barely allowed her number, and he didn’t have the habit of constantly pestering people for cash. Aptly placing money into his brother’s hand, Diego grabbed his scrawny arm before he could saunter away. “Don’t wait around for me when you get arrested, or I will actually get fired.” Having known connections with an unhinged junkie wasn’t going to help Diego’s already poor reputation. Hopefully nobody heard Klaus vehemently shouting about chlamydia earlier. 

“No waiting around, gotcha.” He was undoubtedly still going to wait around. Surprisingly he did actually seem to be heading to get food. “Klaus?” Diego caught his brother’s attention as he approached the doors. The curiosity was overwhelming Diego, he couldn’t not ask. He’d probably be up all night wondering about it. “Why was the pervert saying you’d kill a cat?”


End file.
